This Is For Everyone And No One

Time seems to go really fast, and I keep going to write things down and I keep putting things off and then it never happens.
So at the moment I am at a stable sence of mind, I like to think im in a good place, and I have some amazing friends and even have things to look forward to next year which for me is a first. Every year when New Years gets closer I sit to think about my year and my achievements and it seems that I am doing that very thing at this moment, in past years I have thought about the heartache and sorrow I have felt after loosing my gran last year and my grandad the year before. I can never get the time I spent with them back but the memories are still very vivid and strong today as they were last year.(although I admit that even remembering these things now to write it down has brought me to tears)
This year hasnt been one of my best, granted no one died which is a plus but life has its funny turns and this year i ended up falling in love to only have my heart broken followed by depression. I felt like I was very alone in the world with no one to listen or talk to, and when i tried i was told that i had no purpose in life and needed to get my life sorted out which didnt help, i cried daily and ill admit there were times where i would harm myself to make sure that i could still feel something even if it was more pain. One morning I woke up and realised i couldnt keep waking up everymorning crying and that going to sleep crying wasnt helping me either, the emptiness I felt needed to be filled and i needed to start talking rather than keeping things to myself. With the help of some amazing people I came out of this hole they were my lifeline and I really hope that they understand how much theyve helped me I guess it shows that medical science isnt the only way to get out of feeling the way I did. The guy I wrote about so often in these blogs is just another guy and I would probably say because of him ive raised my guard higher than Ive ever done before. I don’t want to hurt as much as I did and I’m defineatly not going to let myself fall for just any guy promise me the moon but untill I actually get it then it’s all just words at the end of the day.
This sort of brings me onto my  next bit, which I have been abvoiding writing for a long time because I was terrified of making any more problems but even if this isnt read by the people that need to read it then at least my side has been put down. Two friends needed to talk to me about the other person and I was put in a difficult position, one was a lifelong friend who had I had been through a lot with and trusted with my life so to put, the other was a close friend who OK I havent known as long but she helped me when I was in dark times. but for me i found it difficult to take a side, it wouldnt be fair to listen to one and then having this knowledge not say anything to the other when they tried to talk to me and vice verce. So after talking to someone who was very close to me i decided to be Switserland and keep out of it, in my view at the end of the day unless i shut the two in a room and said talk to each other and sort this out yourself  I couldnt really do much myself.  I admit now shutting myself away and saying that I wasnt going to listen to either of them wasnt one of my best ideas but like I said before how am I supposed to chose to listen to one and not the other or listen to them both knowing that in some respects im being a bad friend by not saying what I knew. I should have known then that either way I wasnt going to win. The day after the night we went out for my birthday everything went downhill. I got called a shit friend a selfish friend that I needed to sort my life out and grow up. Now hearing that from someone that means the world to me was tough, i apologised straight away trying to rectify what i had done wrong and hoped things would get better, to be honest that was the last time I properly spoke to him and it kills me to know that I might have lost another amazing friend all because of this one incident. Whenever I see him online i wonder if i should try and talk to him but stop before i do knowing i wouldnt have a clue what to say, I’m sure he was in a bad situation but to blow up at me like that was just as heartbreaking. I know i was a bad friend and i accepted it but I just get a block when i think about talking to him, what he say did upset me and normally i can just forget things and move on but this was something that has actually kept with me to the point where ive had to write it down because I know if I keep it in it wont do me any good. I dont know if I did the right thing and I cant turn back time to try a different angle whats done is done and ive apologised but its weird how im actually scared to talk to him. Its crazy how much effect things have on you when the people you hold closest to you are ‘brutally honest’. I try not to go out as much in case I cause problems and if im honest my confidence was shot I try not to talk about myself to friends anymore in case I talk to much about myself and im so so paranoid that people are talking about me after I caught a particular friend texting another about me.

Just for the record this is my blog I will talk about myself on here because i honestly dont expect people to read my ramblings and lameness.

Because of this happening i lost touch with my group of friends and was partly alienated by what had happened and partly alienated myself believing that if this person thinks im a bad friend and hasnt spoken to me since then maybe their lives are better without me in it?
But saying that Ive been spending time with other people its not in the respect of oh those friends are obviously better without me ill find new people, ive known these people for a while as well and theyve put a smile back on my face again, theyve got me laughing and thinking positive about myself again its funny how things change.

I want my friends to know this…

You are amazing, you bring so much to my life I cant even put it in words to describe what you do. I know I can count on you and I hope you feel you can count on me, whatever happens I hope that you know that even if the time comes where we are no longer friends I will still be there for you even if I do become the last person you would call I would be there in a shot. I hope you understand how brilliant you are and everything I have been through with you, all the small jokes to constantly saying quotes from the night before the years before. For anything that has happened this year if i have wronged you or upset you even slightly I am sorry and as we are coming to a New Year I hope that things can change for the best. I may not have met you often or I may have lived out of your pockets in the summer seeing you daily but you mean everything to me and if it wasnt for you I would either be in a coffin or in a asylum dosed up on so much medication I would be a shell of the person I am today. You bring out the worst and best in me and I am starting to want to get out of bed in the morning wondering what the week will bring what new ‘adventures’ will happen and how lucky I am to have someone like you in my life.
Thank you

Merry Christmas Everyone and Here’s To A Happy New Year

This Is Me The Girl You Think You All Know

Seeing as there are no decent national days and that my life is consisting of working or just not bothering with people I thought about introducing myself or more telling a little bit more about myself. I started with one of those questionnaires but there was something like 100 questions and some were absolute crap so i’m just going to sort wing it.

The Basics

Hello

I’m Bryony, otherwise known as Sunny, Bry, Bree, Breezle, BryBry, Bryers, Kibbles.

I am 22 born on the 5th November (which makes me a Scorpio and born in the year of the Rabbit which i think is quite appropriate) from the South West Born and Bred Devonshire lass, I’m about 5’5 and I think I weigh 9:10 at the moment. (im working on it) When I was young I had white blonde hair and then as I got older my hair got darker so my hair is probably classed as mousy brown or something im never going to go back to my normal hair colour so I guess we will never know. My current hair colour as you can see is red ive been blonde for 22 years and decided to go for a change so yea went a bit drastic lol. I have brown eyes but in the light they change slightly to a lighter brownish green, at the same time I do wear contact lenses and I wear colour ones at times which make my eyes an aqua greenish blue colour.

The Family

I don’t have a huge family, my family consists of my mum and dad, my brother whos 6 years older than me and my great aunty. My mum does have a brother who is married but we arnt close and I think if i walked past my uncle in the street id probably cross the street although the chances of him recognising me are slim. I have two cousins who I still talk to but im not overly close with them just like im not overly close with my aunt.
My brother is married and has an amazing wife who is also part of my family.

I only have one other family member and shes short fat ever so cute and very fluffy.

This is my lil baby Henry, she is about 2 years old born in December and we bought her in February shes part of the family and is very spoilt and baby like. She loves to come in at night times and get spoilt and watch tv.

The Life

Life is pretty mundane, I have a part time job which is so unbelievably soul destroying you wouldn’t believe I hate it but it gives me money whilst i try and find something that is vaguely decent.
Apart from my family my friends are my life

I am a lucky girl to know so many people who I can truly depend on. Everyone in life knows a lot of people but their not all friends let alone good friends many are acquaintances that we will smile and make small talk  with but the people who are your close friends, these are the people that when you feel so low you dont know what to do with yourself these are the people you can count on. I know that if my friends can help me they will and I want my friends to know that any way possible and I will help them the best I can. I wouldnt do this for any person I would do this for people that mean the world to me, that I love and that I cant live without. I don’t have pictures of me with all the people who mean a lot to me but the people who are pictured and in previous blogs are the ones worth my time and energy. I really hope they know this. I love socialising and it doesnt have to involve alcohol, alcohol is always a plus, going out and meeting people and just spending time catching up is always great no matter what the situation if it gets me out of the house i’m definitely up for it! I love my music and music festivals, I could keep on but i dont really know what else to say. I dont like liars or false people I have big trust issues and people who are false or lie just arnt worth my time or energy. I fucking hate daddy longlegs and moths they always fly towards my head for no specific reason. I’m also not a morning person so no to early mornings!

The Girl

I’m not your everyday girl, I find it difficult to get to know new people. When a lot of my friends who know me for me first met me i scared the shit out of them and still to this day I have no idea why. But once they got to know me they soon realised I am a complete special case. I get on with guys a lot more than girls, girls that I have learnt through past experiences are bitchy, can fall out over the stupidest things and when they have a problem they wont have it out theyd rather complain. Not to say I dont have my moments Christ I have my moments and on the wrong day I can get shitty at people for the stupidest things but i’ll let them know that their doing my head in and get it sorted being shitty with someone and being nice to their back cant deal with it. The girls who are my closest friends are pretty much the same as me and that suits me perfectly, especially as my best friend Gemma is pretty much my twin.
And by saying im special is pretty much because I can seem perfectly normal and then the next minute say or do the stupidest thing in the world. For example I can fall up stairs whilst not under the influence of alcohol or I have sat talking to someone wearing sunglasses where people cant see my eyes and tried to give them an evil, after i realised that couldnt see my eyes and had to tell them that i was giving them an evil…special.

I am single, it doesn’t bug me that i’m single it gets me down now and again especially as my best friends been with her bloke for 5 years but lifes what I make it so being single isnt going to get me down, i rant i feel better rant over
There is someone who I am crazy about and I wish he knew exactly how much but he’s got his own life and  how he feels to me is a complete mystery its like trying to answer a impossible riddle things are never straight forward and unless he tells me how he feels it’ll stay a impossible riddle because i’m no mind reader.

I am very warey with my feelings. The last relationship I was in pretty much ruined me. I was too comfortable with how i felt with this person and let him in, let him know how i felt and what he meant to me and did so much for him I spoiled him so much. In return he cheated on me, he was training in London and asked me to go with him for the week I was working so couldnt make it but after i finished work on the thursday i drove up to Slough where my dad lived and met him, that weekend I took him to Thorpe Park, went into London shopping one day and then back in again to see a west end show. What I didnt know was that he got some other girl to go to London with him during the days i couldnt make. That was about the first couple of months into our relationship.
When I’m with someone that means a lot to me I would do anything for them so when he crashed his car and was taken to the hospital I was right by his side and stayed with him for the next few days before I had to go home to work, I wanted to show him how committed I was I hate meeting parents im crazy shy when i first meet people and im so quiet and meeting parents and family is horrible for me ive even managed to go a whole year without meeting a now ex’s parents but I met his family quite early on. Then things started going downhill and I found out about this girl that went to London with him, we went on a break and I was willing to forgive him and take him back when i realised the reason things were getting worse is he had been cheating on me again with a girl younger than me and he wanted me to end things so it would be on my terms and he would get of free. I moved to Uni and he tx me “go to uni have fun and forget me.”
That was about two years ago and im still warey about the way I am with my feelings. If i like someone I will make it clear but i expect the same in return but when it comes to commitment I promised myself that I wouldnt make any commitment until the other person lets me know how they feel and is honest with me  100%.
I was always the first to fall for the person and the first to get hurt I cant do that anymore.

People say that i’m too nice and thats probably true i dont like to upset people unless they actually know me that well then ill tell them where to go. But generally I’m too nice apparently if I tell someone im gonna call them then ill ask if its ok just to make sure or if someone likes me and asks me out I would probably say yes then make as many excuses till they get the hint OR would make a suggestion and then avoid them I can’t say no knowing that I might upset or hurt someone. I guess you might call that sensitive to other peoples feelings or whatever i’d probably agree that im too nice, but with the help of Mark I am working on it.

Im very cautious about how I look and my appearance, OK I know what clothes I like and i’ll wear them how i want and everything but the way I look is huge to me. When I was in high school I had a huge kick in the ass with my confidence, I had terrible acne and got teased about it loads, this acne wasnt in the average spots where people would have it, it wasnt on my forehead of back it was pretty much all along just above my top lip and the years where it was really bad I didnt have any photos taken of me because it upset me so badly, I even stopped looking in the mirror. When I got to college and it slowly faded i started to gain confidence but because of the shit that I had to take when it was there I struggle with my appearance. I am not looking for compliments here but I hate the way i look I hate the way my body is and i cant stand seeing people who look better than me because it brings me down so much. I wear quite baggy clothes to hide my figure because for me it’s nothing special and when i get stressed or in certain environments my face breaks out and I try my best to cover it up because it kills me to look at myself and remember how things were.

What Else?

I cant think of anything thats a first!

Well thats me I guess if I think of anything else Ill make another blog another time but this is whats going on so far.

I’m Writing Again, These Letters To You

Have you ever started writing a letter to someone and then changed it time and time again, or after finishing it  reading it through and thinking actually no and never sending it or in turn wanting to write to someone and tell them things but no that they cant get it. Ive done this so many times and I decided to put these letters down the people i want may not be able to read them but at least theyl be somewhere and not get deleted.

Dear You

I wish I knew how to start this letter, I wish I knew the right words that would make you realise what is going on in my head and my heart. Theres so many things I wish but this is one of the biggest ones you will never understand how much I wish for this one to come true. I hope that  one day you will look back and think of me and hopefully that something will click in your head, youl realise that I was something you could have had for a long time someone who would treat you the way you want and be yours and only yours. But I guess for the now your too into yourself to realise this and i hope you seriously regret it one day. I wont lie the time we spent together was great and you made me feel alive when everything went so bad in my life i knew i could count on you and you would make this hole in my chest go away.

Ive lost people who are so close to me in my life and i think there will always be times where i sit and think i wish i had said that or done that. Because of that i try to live by being honest and tell people exactly what is going on. I may say what i feel or think and regret it but then after thinking about it understand that at least i was honest if i tell someone that they make me feel special or make me feel alive i mean it and if me saying that makes then run away then obviously they cant take my honesty and arnt worth my time. But saying that i’m not glad i was honest with you, what you did is unforgivable im not a doll i have thoughts and more importantly feelings and just like everyone else especially you i can hurt and i can feel pain. I cant explain the number of times i cried or how i blamed myself thinking I had done something wrong and how i was somehow to blame. We all make our own mistakes and it’s up to us to rectify it and to learn from it. I told you that I believe in forgiving and forgetting, and just to make it clear I forgive you for breaking my heart and making me feel worthless and self concious even to this day i forgive you for doing this and i’m forgetting you. If you see me in the street dont expect me to make eye contact dont expect a smile or even for me to walk near you because as far as i see it your just another stranger.

From

The Girl who who wasnt enough

Dear You

The first thing I want you to know is I miss you both, I miss you both so bad it hurts. I’m not going to be selfish and say I wish i had more time with you or anything of the sort the only thing i wish is that you did suffer I wish you didnt have to go through what you did. I’m even struggling to write this letter and i’ve only just started guess that shows how even after 11 months I drive past the road to your house and still think your there but I never drive past your house not anymore. The last time I saw you was being taken out by the ambulance crew I didnt get to say goodbye I didnt get to thank you and at your funeral i couldnt even stand my heart broke in a way i never thought possible that day. I couldnt sing the hymns I couldnt listen to anything that was said I couldnt even look at the coffin, after I went and sat by myself outside and as it always seems to be the one time you want to be left alone everyone wanted to stand beside me or hold me as i cried like ive never cried before or since. The one thing that helped was the vicar coming over and saying that hes never seen someone so heartbroken and that crying will help me get through my pain and after ive done crying ill start to heal.

Just knowing that you were in my life for nearly 22 years that brings a whole new comfort to me. I got to hear your stories I got to see you overcome cancer you are such a inspiration to me you made me believe in myself and what I do when I needed guidance it was you I went to and even though I cant go to you anymore I still have a good idea what you would say and to know that I have shared so many things with you in my life just makes me know im going to grow into a better person no matter what I do.

And You

I have had a year less with you before above and you suffered just as badly. I cant go into the house anymore its too empty and hollow there is nothing for me there anymore I have my memories I dont need a place to remind me anymore. Im not sure what to say that I havent said above because a lot of it pretty much is to you as well. I’ve never struggled with goodbyes but with you, you were the hardest goodbye ive ever had. It was hard to see you fade before my eyes forgetting who I and mixing me up with other people, you knew who everyone else was apart from me and obviously i’ll never know why but that was tough. But it was the day dad rushed me to work that I will never forget. It was Sunday and i dad came in took one look at me and said you need to come to the hospice with me now, I called my boss and headed over, i cant remember exactly who was there I know mum was but i cant remember very well if Damien and Jodie were. I sat beside you and held your hand you wernt awake but you squeezed my hand like you used to and I just sat with you after a while I knew I had to go and that I wouldn’t see you again because things were only going to get worse from there on and I knew I wanted to see you and remember you from then backwards and not see anymore deterioration. That night i cried myself to sleep and thats all i remembered. The next thing i remembered was going back to Bristol with Damien and Jodie and Damien getting a phone call saying that you had gone, it’s funny how I remember crying myself to sleep a moment but not whole days.

I miss you both so much your always on my mind and your definitely always in my heart I want you to know that I am who I am today partly because of you and it means so much to me.
I will never forget you

Love you always

X

Dear You

How can I describe what you do to me without sounding like a broken record and regretting what I say. I guess I cant. To me your an idea or a dream. Something that I expand and replay in my mind but know will never happen. I cannot kiss this idea or touch it or hold it, this dream doesnt bleed or feel pain and it doesnt love. Unluckily for me I do bleed, feel pain and love. Ive spent years not talking to you and it got to a point where you were yet another stranger to me and then we get talking and from then on things changed.  I went 8 months between seeing you and i managed to get you out my head then I met you again and you were all that I thought about, I cant really describe what it is that you do to me. You just seem to treat me how I feel I should be treated when I’m with you, I might be wrong but it seems that when we are together your happy I mean after receiving some of the tx’s I did i know you have your soppy moments. But still I could be wrong and it could be part of that idea again and I could quite possibly be perceiving things the wrong way. You know how I feel and you know what I think, i’m shitty wit you because I dont know where I stand one minute your a flirt a second the next it’s back to square one where it’s as if we just started talking after al those years. Your brother told me there was a time where you talked about me so much he felt he knew me…its a shame that i seem to be a phase.
But i’m not going to do this. I want you to know that no matter what, no matter how shitty I get with you I will always have a soft spot for you. I know you dont like people helping you out or get involved with you but seriously I live miles away if you needed someone that bad I would come and see you if you asked me to. Your very coded and i dont know what you want i’m simple if i want someone to call me i’ll call them all they need to do is ask, if i offer to call or do sumit for you dont give me a vague answer give me a straight answer. If I said to you i’ll call you later if you want dont reply yea if you want to either say yea that sounds good or no im busy.
I’m a girl thats not going to change im pretty simple and straight forward with things. I’m not going to keep on but I just want you to know i’m here if you ever need me or need somewhere to go whatever just dont push me away.

I’ve gone to far to come back from here, but you don’t have a clue what you do to me

From

The Girl That Will Always Be There And Never Noticed

Dear You

Oh what to say to you. I think firstly a bit I miss you is in store. I miss you so much, you have affected my life in such a huge way and I will never be able to thank you. You always had such a lust for life and it was taken away from you but your lust for life spread to the rest of the group were all doing something it may not be interesting but were living our lives the way we think we should. I wouldnt mind a change but still plenty of time.
I have one regret and I will live with that regret till I die. That regret is that I never told you how i felt about you you were so special to me and i never let it slide.
You were the one thing I remember clearly of high school and college when a lot of things are a blur you stand out clearly. I dont want this to be a sad letter i left you one of them the  day we buried you. You are a legend and we will forever talk about you your legacy will live on and we will make sure of that. I’m still reading Heat but apparently it’s a film and I still havent seen it! If only you knew how much you affected our lives. This will always be a short letter because our time we spent together was so short but it meant so much to me.

Love

The Girl Who Wishes You Were Still Here

“Pouring over photographs. I’m living in your letters. Breathe deeply from this envelope it smells like you and I can’t be without that scent. It’s filling me with all you mean to me.”

And Tomorrow Is A New Day And Tomorrow I Start Over

I know that i probably say this a lot but i need to start over and im finding it SOO difficult! Pretty much a case of two steps forward eight steps back and it sucks! Keeping in mind I am quite grumpy and tired so that would explain why im like this pretty much.
So to keep my mind at bay im trying to look forward to things and after September is over I have A LOT to look forward to October consists of…

Thursday 7th – Bowling for soup Bristol
Friday 8th – Bowling for soup Exeter
Wednesday 13th – Rhod Gilbert
Monday 18th – Charlottes Birthday
Thursday 28th – Avenged Sevenfold and Stone Sour Birmingham

November

Tuesday 2nd – Ross Noble
Friday 5th – My Birthday ( gotta look forward to Tar Barrels)
Monday 8th – My Brother’s Birthday
Wednesday 10th – Less Than Jake suported by Zebrahead
Friday 12th –  Devil Driver supported by 36 Crazyfists
Friday 26th – 30 Seconds To Mars in Cardiff with a travelodge and plenty of drinking

My best friend is moving back to Sheffield in September and if i can get the time off ill be making the trip up with her to help her move and also to hit Corporation. Then after organising 30 seconds to Mars with my friend we have somehow decided on a road trip to party with people in the UK basically.  Some of the places we have in  mind so far consist of Leicester, Sheffield and Camden its just the time off money and where were gonna stay we need to sort out!
ANYWAY its only a short blog as ive got work at 6.30 tomorrow but i need to write down things to look forward to so when i feel down I can look at these dates and look forward to them if anything new happens ill include them.

“You’re not worth, losing my self esteem, Your clever words mean nothing more to me than a line i heard in a movie, You’re not worth, losing my self esteem, You’re not worth, putting myself in these situations.”

For the Sake of Remembering

When we leave high school we all move into different things but so we remember people on the last day we have a book and sort of like an American year book we all wrote notes to one another. I found my book the other day so in case I lose the book I have decided to write them all here. This is purely for me but feel free to read.

Hey u!

well i’m not happy that you got the same book lol! good luck in everything u do & everything in life! We have had are highs & lows but we have still kept our friendship strong you are gr8 mate make sure you keep in touch! all the best
Love ya Lynz
Xxxx
Ps I found some pics on my computer of that Jezz Guy Lol
Xxx
Bry Hello..I apologise for the setback caused by Mr Preece (belled!) We have had a shitload of useless, crap filled conversations since the days of year 9 maths revision classes. From a ‘pot smokin hippy-lovin kaner’ to a rather humerous convo in antons bedroom to that wet, cold camping trip in sophies field ( for argument sake, I did not say it, you made it up )
also you should feel previledged that i risk my social reputation by screaming your name in a busy school corridoor.
Have fun ill see you at another party
love Da Dudley
(Lewis dont forget my real name)
Oi Bry, you sexy bitch
Cnt really fink of much to say so im just gonna say hope your GCSE’s go well and all the best for the future
Lots of Love…Cheers Harry
xxx
Hi Bry
Good luck wit ur exams nd everything else that your plannin on doin.
I dont really no wat 2 say so i’m gonna go now but take care nd ill c ya around
Luv Kim

Goodluck with your future life (getting high and drunk) white elephants pink tables, anton loves the mcfly
Tom Northrop
The first time I spoke to you i was in year 9, in a certain science called which some people said was taught by Jesus himself. We spoke about random things such as your a punk . Until late year 10 where we were in a play together (some sweedish play) I quit but had fun having a laugh with you
Good luck and all that shit
Cheers Tom

Heylo Bree dude!
good luck in the future!! we have had some good times in the past!!
Gonna miss you!
Always keep in touch if you dont i will chuck sponges at you!
Have fun in college!! Media students!! Yay!
love you laods ♥
Loadsa love Katie
xxx

Hey Bree
Good luck in your exams and the future girl your gonna do great! when your making your millions take some time out to think about the good old days! hehe! make sure we keep in contact don’t want you forgetting me now!lol
Love you loads Poodle

Well Well Well…
Hello mrs Bryong!
Im not gonna say my goodbyes spuddy coz i no that we aint gonna lose touch but i am gonna say ill miss ya!!:(! ill miss cumin in 2 the pe lessons, goin 2 the cinema on mondays, goin 2 get tubble! lol! I love ya so much bree, weve had highs and lows but wot friendship hasnt…u’ve always bin there 4 me and i hope i have 4 u! were still gonna be goin up town on sat! gud luck wit ure exams tho i no u wont need it coz u’ll do gr8! All the best Spud!
Love u always +4eva tubble/Spuddy buddy, smee, piglet, etc lol! (Steph)
xxx
Ps Malcom in the middle

Natalie is here!
Well Bry, i’m feelin pretty sad cuz ive got to rite this! i know your gonna 2 well in your GCSE’s, ur so smart and very talented, you can achieve anything u want, (you can ever go to an asylum if u want 2!) I’ve grown up wit u, we went 2 1st school,Xwik middle & now wer at the end of high school, its been soo much fun and there aqre so many memories, all good ones. You’ve been such a great friend 2me, remember i only live up the road OK! I’m sure we’ll stay in touch, our little gang of legends! I hope college goes well 4 u, plz remember me!! weve had such a laugh and I will never 4get it. Thank you 4 everythin
Love ya 4evea +always i’ll miss you Loadsa love Natalie
xxx

Hey
I hate writing these dam things. For everyone else i say good luck etc but i know we wont loose touch! Cant wait till this summer! I think a return trip to Totness is in order! you me and nat! Good luck with your exams, youll be fine! cant wait till we get to college, its gonna be so much fun!
See you around soon
Lucy Borde
-x-

Heya!

Ok all the usual stuff along the lines of good luck for the future and with your exams! We have to keep in touch because remember thr Tripod! If one leg falls we all do! We’ve had some funny times! hehe I’m Sorry (you know what I mean) but i’m sure there’ll be loads more fun nights  to come.
Love ya Bree ☆ Stacey Clarke ☆

Heya Bryony,
I fink i’ve said the same thing in every book but never mind! So good luck in your exams!!! I’ll probably see you around college but I hope oyu achieve everything you wanna do in life (which is probably loads!!) hope we keep in touch but if not Stay cool!!
Loads Luv Cynthia
-X-

Hello bird
Gud luck in all your exams especially science i know u” do well, hehe! take care in whatever you do
Loads luv Gema xxx Barbie

Hey Bryony
Goo luck with everything and never forget “An island far from here” (not that you ever will) That was so bad
Anyway good luck Love Bella

Hey Bry!
Good luck in the future! And never talk of Island far from here again!..(the worst play in the world) Have Fun
Love Ana Xx

Hey Bry
Good luck 4 da futur and all your “godly endevours…” luv the ‘tramp girl’ xXx (Becky Stig Heysett)

To Bryony
You will pay for the pain you have caused over the past two years. Have fun in college ‘babes’ Amy Walton xxx

Hi Bryony
Hope you do well in everything you wana do in da future! Hundred Reasons as a good night! hehehe
Love Lau (hunt)
-X-

Bryony
Good luck with whatever you decide to do with life! Love Emily Fouracre

Bryony
Hello dear tis eliot, aww I do remember french trip ’01′ that was splendid. Bollocks. Ive started talking about memories. Let me quote a line from Macbeth. “is this a dagger I see before me” Anyhow u’ve been a very bubbly laugh and it has been a pleasure to know you. See you in college hope you have a good, good, good life ♥ Eliot “you stole my sausage”

Bryony
Good luck for hte future and I hope you have as much fun doing what you want as you did here dont be sausage factory fried!!
Tim Threadgold
May the force be with you!! Shmeng!

Good luck with your midged searching Bry!All the best for the future! Tim told me to write that luv Dean

Bry,
Good luck with whatever you do after school. I havent known you for very long but we have had quite a good laugh in history. Tim saying *562: Curiosity Killed the cat. Dont know what that means. Have Fun
Chris

well Hello Bry,
It’s not long till our little adventure (wink wink) we will live a little, live a lotto I think so! I’ll def keep in touch with you, and you no it, all the assholes maybe not good luck (and all that shit), basically we rule and “TEAM FUCKERS” it’s guna be hard to live without thee Berridge and his chambon
C u l8r Loadsa Luv Sophieeeee
xxx

Well Bry,
here we are and im glad we will finish school on good terms. I knw ive been a bit of a knobhead sometimes (the alps) etc, but your a good friend. I hope you do well in your exams and succeed in your ambition to be the car wash manager at the BP garage. Well i cant think of much else to write except good luck and have a good summer, and Berlin and Paris was fun (just rememberd to put that in
See you soon and good luck Adam (the Tripp version)

Vin-
You usually need to smoke 40 a day to get a voice like yours. Thanks for the romantic breaks in Paris and Berlin
Enjoy yourself J Hurst

Bryony
wishing you all the best; its going to be a lot quieter without you here. make sure you carry on listening to decent music and good luck with your exams! Enjoy the break and have a fab time at college
Rob Preece

Hey Brigadeer,
I discovered yesterday Brigadeer is an army term, theres eomthing new! I phlemged on my media paper, a massive big greeny! I forgot to wipe it off so lucky examiner
Love Fe

Hello BRY
havent really spoke to you much these years, but remember the Alps trip that was fun. Hope all goes well and that. C u arond
Mr. Josh Rew

YoYoYo Mofo its me Joe (woo it rhymes)
These books are scary cause i have nothing to write ummmmmmmmmmm on good luck and stuff
Joe

Hello Dear Bryony my Lovely!
I aint gonna mention future life or exams so i ain’t really god much to say! History probably best lesson ever!!! Keep eating like you do in History and Media you’ll soon be a turkey on a Christmas dinner (except you wont be dead!) I might be though, I’m gonna be in a horrific car crash at the tender age of 23… Anyway. Cheers Lover
I’ll see you around anyway so theres no point cryin over spilt milk!
Jon
-x-

To Bry (Legend)
Havent known u that long but weve had so LARFS! London was comedy, espeically the love birds (Tom + Leanne). Good luck with the future, your GCSE’s your life and of course Neil!
Luv Ching xxx

To Bry
Good luck in ya exams and the future. Make sure you reading Heat magazine (but apparently its a film!) weird. We have had a lot of fun. Good luck with neil.
Love Tom Hitt
Ps I always enjoyed the spanking!

Hey there Bry!
You’ll prob look back in ten years time, and think ‘oh i remember Tom, fat ugly annoying!’ lol. Well youd better ring me in the summer, else i will be LIVID! lol, if you dont have my number I hope you have a good time in college taking all of your GCSE’s again…LOL… well im in love with you and I want your babies…
Bye now! Love yah! Tom Fairchild

Yo Yo Bry,
yoo crazy minx. good luck with the future you Stupid Gothic! lol
Forgive the spelling and handwriting
Will xxx Squidgery!

Alrite Bry
Gd luck in ur exams hope you enjoy college and whatever the future may bring
Cyou around Luff Oldman
-x-

Bry
good luck in your exam have fun in the future
See you around Samie

Hey Bry,
Good luck in da future and ue exams
C u soon Luv Tom

Ello u!
Good luck in ur exams + the future + the same old crap every1 else says!!! We are the xwick scum and dont ever 4 get that! Keep in touch + if you dont im gonna stalk u and drive u insane! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Remember – Kylie is betta than Natalie! Cu son luv Kylie (the Gr8)

Hey Bry
oh my God this is so weird it doesnt feel like it has been 4 years does it? it’s quite sad this will probably be the last week that we are all together in one place, but we will stay in touch i know we will. We aint been good friends for years but we are going to be friends for years to come, we can go for double dates etc… talk about boys hehe. I wish you luck in your GCSE’s but i doubt you need it I bet you will do great! But on the safe side GOOD LUCK! but its going to be so much cooler now were college students, we can talk about grown up stuff. Dont forget how we became so close on out 1 day relationship dont forget the happiest day of our lives!
Best of luck xxxx Chrisxxx
Spud=Average, Pud= fat and ugly, Stud= Fitty, Fud= fat, Dud= Ugly Remember this for your next boyfriend make sure its a stuf though!

hry Bry!
Well its not really cya because we live near each ova but hey! Good luck with your exams and in whatever you decide to do. Chat to ya later
Luv Katherina Henawody xxx

Well Bry!
Wot can i say… I dont wanna say the same things everyone has said. I’m gonna see ya again coz we gotta stay in touch darlin! Remember the good old times when you puked on my leg Biatch! Remember me and you one the piss ups when your feeling down! Only a few days left in this shit hole lol! have fun Emxxx

Hey Bry
Good luck in your exams and for the future! Have fun in college (of your going) and i may see you around. Hope you succeed with your dreams in life! It will be sad to leave but a relief to get away from the shit’ole!
See ya Luv Lucie

Hey bry
hope ya doin good!
Good luck with your exams and everything you wanna do in life when you leave this place!!!
Oh yea, and remember…”thats Whack” See ya Bry Luv Carly xx

Hey Bry
Make sure you kick ass in your exams!  Good luck in your future plans, and dont get stoned too often! I doubt we’ll cross paths again…actually we probably will
Tal

Hell Bry
just got writing this sentence and realised that ive already wrote in it, graphics and maths was fun. C u at our reunion Luff Oldman

Hey Bry
History has been class, will miss ganging up on fatty, good luck in da future, dont do better than me in your exams (but still do really well!)
Luv MAtt

Hiya Bry
Just a little note to say good luck in your exams and in da future Love Carl

Hry Bryony
Good luck with your exams and in the future Cya around Mark Andrews

Bryony
Great having you in the class, i will miss the abuse good luck in the future
Hi Bry
Sorry bout da shit note earlyer good luck in the future no doubt wel see each other out of school c u soon love anton
Ps this note sucks im so tyred and board sorry
Antonia Ablangardis

Bonjour Maddam
Well, firstly i think i love you! I really will miss you! I dont know what your doing when you leave school and to be honest i dont much care. Now that i think of it i hate you. Good luck  I guess! Lots of love (ish) Jonny -X- Ps. Mrs Diffey is a farm bitch

Heya Bry!
Gud luck with all your exams and anything you do in da future we havent really spoke through kool but theres no reason why we cant start. And well that Bitch Natalie i would  love to have given her a smack that night! hehe! make sure you dont let her read your book if you get her to sign it! lol! your a great gal and you will go really far in life! might c u at college in your going keep in touch and give us a text and let me know how you get on with your GCSE’s
Love Beef + Ham (beth)

Hey Bry!
Good luck in your exams! it was great knowing we had a good laugh in drama (gonna miss that!) anyways i aint gonna bore you so i shall stop now! see you around Luv Draper

Hey sweetie pie!

thanks for all the good times! thanks for the black eye, and green nose! lol! that was all the good times! and when i meet you next year at college we can have an even better time! Love you lots miss you lots love Imy xxx

Hey Bry
Well wot can i say ive only known you for 4 years but what an unforgettable  4 yars i will never forget us sharing our genius minds in science & how well we do in it. Your always there for someone whenever their down and need cheering up Thanks for being there for me must keep in contact ll the best at college and the future miss you loads luv Ellexxx

Hey Bry
Cheers for lettin me go to the concerts and all that ill always remember berlin and the cat ears lol anyway good luck and hope you do well in the future love leanne x

Hello bry i hope all your exams go well! have a fun summer holiday good luck what ever you do Kour

Hey Bry
dont know you that well but good luck with whatever you choose to do. have fun with neil if your still with him! Dan

Cheers Bry
good luck in all your exams hope you have a good time at the prom
Paul Andrews

You will be much missed in my ICT lessons-your sense of humour, loudness and determination to suceed. Congratualtions on the major improvements you have made and good luck in your future and future studies. It has been a pleasure and a privilege to know you
Berrige

Hi
During the time i have known you i have had a goo laugh especially in Berlin, I hope we stay in contact and dont let friendship end. Good luck in your exam see ya at the prom
Love From Tom White

Hiya Bry
Best of luck in your GCSE’s and whatever you decide to do look after yourself and ill prob see you around take care. Love ya loads Ross
Ps just remember to tell your kids if  you have them about when i snotted

Hey bry dont really know you but  good luck with whatever you do from now on Joe

Cheers Bry, your sound as and I wish all the best! Remember gettin fucked is good! this signature will make you a very rich woman one day- Martin

Hey bry
Well I havent known you dat long but I’m glad we’ve had media 2getha! Its been an experience! Try 2 4get ‘an island far from here’ if u can! god mr Diffeys teeth! Good luck in all your exams and for whatever you do in the future! Luv lauraxx

Hi Bry
Remember me when you think of all those wonderful lessons with our fave teachers! Good luck for the exams and college Sam

Hey Boris
Well its been cool knowing you apart from when you use to cough insults at me! but ive forgiven you lol. i hope you have a good summer, chris is a good guy remember but im not pressuring your choice, Dont get too drunk, reaks havok…just ask chris (alcoholic joke) anyway better go- Fe

Dear Bryony
I’m not sure I can do this, I’ve just realised im writing this on Felix’s backside! Oh well, i’ll just have to go on-oh no! That sounds terrible. wait ive lost my point!..er where was i? oh yes
its been a reali pleasure working with you.  Youve been a great student and ive got a lot of great memories of fun times weve had in English and Media. Have a goo life and good luck in everything you do- Christopher Coles

Bryony
The quietest person of the year…NOT! You have made me lauh and contributed to me knowing why I teach! you deserve every success…quite in what im sure you will discover! All I do know is, that whatever it is, you will make a huge impact! Lots + lots of Luck Dave Salter x

Bryony keep smiling chicky all the best for the future Mr P (rons dad?)

Bryony your a very special person make sure you get what you deserve from life- Neil

Hello Bryony Best of luck in what you want to do in ya life. Sure u will suceed with whatever it is. no we aint that close but u a diamond! chris is a real looker youl lose out if you dont! good luck love robx

Hey Bryony
Best of luck 2 the future u rule thanks for being there all the time cheers Cozxxx

Whats up Bry
hope you get the grades you want love cory

Well Bryony
the 4 years are at last over and what a 4 years they were! Hope all goes well for you in the future most of all be happy! see you around -Mrs Cushing

Hello Bryony
Well your a clever girl and i sincerly wish you all the best in your exams and for the future!! you havent changed look wise (in the face) since you were little, so when you 66 in oxam and im soon next to you you cant run and hide. ill buy you coffee and some fake teeth! take care love Lois

Good luck work hard at all you do…the rewards will be worth it..Wishing you a life of laughter love Mrs G

Best wishes Bryony the quiet one (well at least compared to Nat + Leah) youve been brilliant to teach and i wish you all the best love Adele Dudley

Aiden is the best x
Dawnies Page!!!
Yo Dude! It’s been a longtime now what is it? 11 or more years of school together my God i need to get some new friends only Joking! Anyways as im writing this im nearly having to wipe away a tear! You have been there for me and I have been there for you. I love you loads and want you to do well in life! get what you make it and you only get one chance at it! Chin up my darling take cre ill never forget you!
Dawn xxx

Hey Tinkerbell!
Where to start? its  been so much fun growing up with you, we’ve had so many fun times that i’ll always remember with a smile! You’ve got the talent and the sparkle to go very far (o’ll come scrounging off you when your rich:) ) Always keep your chin up and a smile on your face! Please Please PLEASE don’t lose touch coz id miss you too much!
Hope you get your puppy one day!
Take car Love Lizzi
xxx

Tomorrow Is A Different Day

Seeing as i work weekends ive decided that there isnt much point in celebrating a national day unless its an awesome day and then ill defo celebrate it.
I am looking forward to tomorrow, tomorrow is All Or Nothing day and i am planning on making big changes to myself, my life and how I see it.

Ive also changed the web site that i get my national days from the choices that I had from that website wernt overly great so ive changed to http://www.holidaysforeveryday.com/caljul07.shtml which is where I will be getting my national days from now on.

This isnt an overly great blog as Ive been to work today and it was a killer shift as it was so unbelievably dead.
Lets just say tomorrow will be a better day, oh and here is the final piece of my sketch that I did..I should get commission for this

“Tomorrow is a different day”

Come What May

Yes my national day of blogs has been written and I was going to leave it at that but for some reason I couldnt seem to help myself pressing new blog and starting this, and even as I’m trying I’m not entirely sure what to put im listening to The Scene Aesthetic Come What May and it is actually meaning a lot to me at the moment. I spoke to someone the other day who said that every song he listens to reminds him of this girl thats messed him over and no matter what he plays he somehow relates to it. Listening to Come What May I cant help but sit and relate to the words more and more. There is literally nothing I can do to prove that im being honest and when i finally get round to being 100% honest it gets taken the wrong way and im kinda left at square one again and I dont know what to do. If i try to explain myself do i just make things worse or do i leave it and think what happens happens and if it doesnt happen then it doesnt happen. I mean im i can spend a day being so busy and yet still see this person through the windows in my mind and then there was one day where i didnt think of him and then i dreamt about him, I cant seem to find a balance. Today i was looking for my sketch book to upload pictures of sketches and i found a old book that i used to write in and found something that I wrote and adapted a little but i swear that i must have gone back in time and written this because it seems so relevant to me now.

Come here and talk to me so we can sort all this out
Ive been hoping and praying to find the right time
To show you what i’m all about
And i know that this probably isnt going to turn out
Exactly the way I want it to be

Yet this is the only way of clearing the clouds
And when this is over and done with you can walk away
There will be no doubts

Let me tell you whats really going on now
Lets get a little closer now
You say that ive got you wrong and you dont want to know
I say that the things ive done is nothing wrong
And we still have time on our side

Please realise were both wrong
Just come and talk to me
Your forever in my mind
I just wish we could get a better view of each other
I’ll take you back
To remember how we used to be
Just open yourself up a little to me

Take this time and let me know
Come closer and let it show
So let me tell you whats really going on now
Lets kiss a little longer now

I’ll leave you alone if you want to
Or I can call you and tell you how your oh so special to me
You can be with me if you want to
And i’ll try to keep you close to me

I really don’t know why
I don’t have a clue
But who he thinks I am
Is who I am it’s true

Then i found my sketches

I am not original i have seen these sketches and drawings and thought i wana draw that so i copy the picture and then change it to suit me, but they all stand out a moment in my life. The first sketch was something i drew ages ago, and then i was going out with my asshole of a ex started shading and although i dont want to say it it has made it look better.
The next one is just a different mad hatter with an emo touch really nothing to explain on that one.
The couple oh how i love and hate this picture. I drew it for my ex which is me and him it took me a long time to get it right and i messed up on the girl’s eyes so badly. I love it because for me it represents a time where i felt loved and felt like i was something special. Something which I have felt since and hoping that I’ll feel it again.
The next was a chained angel which i drew when I was living in Plymouth and having a rough time my grandad had just died and I was so lost  and for me it represented sort of not a fallen angel but a trapped angel. This is part of the reason why I had my angel wings tattooed on my back today.
The next image is a copy of  Tara McPherson’s Look Out Mr. Wiggles Drawing. I love it and her work is amazing i didnt change a thing just down right copied it and i really want her work as my own preferbly the same poster as the one I have drawn the same on that Juno has in her room in the film Juno.
Tara McPherson also designed a poster for the Sonisphere festival too. If you havent heard of her Check her out Shes Awesome! http://www.taramcpherson.com/

The second to last sketch is just of a elf girl that i was going to use as part of my character design for a film i was going to make whilst in Plymouth but never did and forgot about.
Finally my emo girl. Whilst living in Plymouth I used to talk to someone everyday and by calling him pretty much everynight i ended up with a hefty phone bill but it was worth it. Anyways i drew this little emo girl blowing a kiss as i was in a good state of mind he made me feel special as he has done before and I hope will do again. But I was in a soppy mood and took a picture of the sketch and sent it to him. He asked me to sketch him something and I started it but lets just say its a work in progress and its very near completion

I hope things work out soon and that i find out  where i stand because i really dont have a clue and it makes me feel worse

But In a way, I’m glad. The pain is the only reminder that he was real.

A lot is going on in my head at the moment and I cant seem to fix myself. There seems to be so many aspects that are effecting me and the thought of overcoming one of these aspects is a huge thing for me. So I thought writing then down will get these problems at lease down so i can look at whats going wrong, although i kinda know whats going wrong I just dont know how im going to fix some of it.

Now should i put the biggest problem first? go for it

These a guy who ive known for a while. Whenever we meet theres a chemistry and we get on so well. We met at download and got on so well then when we both went home things seemed to carry on and be really good. He was still sweet saying how he missed me or how he wished he could be with me and things like that just made me feel so special. Because of this we arranged that he come down for a week in November see a couple of gigs, and spend time together, now this has happened before where we had organised something this was last year and he was going to come to Plymouth and stay with me for a week I booked the time off and then he stopped talking to me, next thing i knew he had a gf. This time i made sure he had booked his time off and that he was going to come before i booked time off or these gig tickets. He booked off 2 weeks first so i sorted out my time off and got the tickets, then he said he could only come for one week which although it disappointed me a week is better than nothing so i sorted out my time off again and thought nothing else of it really.
A month later and things have changed significantly i never get any txs from him any more i used to get txs saying good morning and good night and everything like that and now nothing. When this started happening all i could think of was last time and I was sure he had found someone else (he still could of that i know)  i tried to ask him if he was off with me or what i had done and he insisted that i had done nothing and that he wasnt off with me he was just having a tough time and struggling to deal with it. So i left it, my brother met him at download and quite liked him so when a beer festival came up he invited the both of us, after finally getting hold of him he said he would go this was sunday by monday it was that his boss was going to decide that was the last i heard so i assumed he wasnt going. I kept a hoody of his when i was at download as it was the only dry one i had on sunday and he said he would send me another one after a week i asked him if he really sent it and his reply was ill check and see if it got sent back ill send one through work…that never happened?
He was also skint one time and me being me sent him £30 he said he would send me the money back and i said he could pay me back when he came down in nov and he said he would prefer to pay me back sooner rather than later that never happened but it didnt bother me.

Since then we seem to be off with each other constantly I think im trying to distance myself from getting hurt because i can trust someone too easily and fall for someone easily as well and i hit the ground so hard when it all goes wrong.  He says hes still coming down in November and im trying to believe him although i am slightly having doubts. Ive been told hes using me and that im sort of like a backup he knows i have feelings for him and will do anything for him so he uses it to his advantage. I dont want to believe what they say though I want to believe him.
Eugh i just dont know he still keeps talking to me and if hes still planning to come down in November then I dont know what to do. I dont like losing friends although maybe its healthier for me if i just cut all ties but i just cant seem to want to let go. I just want things to be like they were

I need someone who will treat me like a princess not just call me one, I want to be swept off my feet and made to feel like im something special. To be honest i just want a Jacob from Eclipse but they are few and far between so i dont see it happening. I’m going to turn into the crazy cat lady who lives alone I can feel it.

My aim in life is to get a full time job and to move out these are two pretty big goals of mine i moved out for a year and lived in plymouth but i still traveled home at weekends to work. Ive had the same crappy job for 7 years, i started when i was 15 and worked 4 hours a week when i was 18 i managed to get weekend work, working 5 hours saturday and 7 sunday making that the total of 12 hours but because i get overtime i wasnt allowed to even get job seekers benefit its stupid. I got called into my boss office on friday and was told that my work has been making a loss on sundays after they had paid me and someone else as well as the bills so they are installing 24 hour pumps so i would no longer be working sundays as we wont be open, instead I would be working friday for 6 hours saturday 5 hours and monday 6.30-1.15 so pretty much 7 hours there so in total 17 and a bit hours thats pathetic I know i need a full time job 9-5 that i can actually live on and move out. I dont want to be stuck in that place i dont like most of the people there i cant deal with all the bitchyness. I wana move out of the family home I had a taste of freedom and now im back stuck at home with my parents, i appreciate everything they do for me i really do but sometimes i just like to do my own thing my parents cook me dinner and thats great but there are days when im just like i dont want this. Moving out will bost my confidence and personality and thats what i need, i need a fresh start but getting the job is a problem. I have been applying for internships and jobs for a while i can send my cv off to people asking them for work and if not work work exp and none of them replies. Ive picked a awkward degree in media which with the current climate is a job im unlikely to get. But still ill apply and apply and hopefully ill get something that is good for me, i dont want a job in a office doing clerical work pushing paper its not me.

The next one isnt about me entirely. I blogged a while ago about my dad being diagnosed with cancer, luckily we were in time and he had an operation to remove the cells/tumor. Hes been home about a month now and has another 2 months off, as much as I love having him home it is driving me crazy, I spend most of my time in my room as he sits downstairs watching Sky, my dad is not by nature a lazy man his job reqiuires him to travel lots so there was a time when he didnt even live at home at all. But the fact he is home 24/7 is driving me crazy, normally if i was home i would be able to set my day and my days goals ok they may not be anything special but i had routine. I feel like i have to tell him where im going out and when ill be back its horrible. I know he cant help being in the situation he is in and i dont wish it up on anyone to feel the way he does because by looking at him i can tell hes frustrated, he wants to do so much his mind is active and ready but his body just isnt ready yet and it stressed him out. This is also another reason for why i need a job, i cant stand waking up everyday to the same boring routine of sitting out the way so he can watch yet another episode of Star Trek or Ninja Worrior dont get me wrong Ninja Worrior is amazing but everyday it gets dull quickly. Ive started to feel guilty if i have a lie in, i set my alarm and am up at 9 every morning if not before but dear god its like when i get up i feel like hes looking at me sort of like you could have done so much today and you had a lie in. He doesnt say it but it just feels like that sometimes.

Its bad to say but i am so jealous of my brother and his life. He went away to uni (which is my own fault i spent 2 years at home) and he met a amazing girl ( i dont like girls i like guys) and they fell in love moved in together got married bought a house. I met a guy fell in love got cheated on in the first year didnt know about it and thing got bad when i found out he had cheated on me i forgave him…he cheated on me again with his now girlfriend and told me to forget him. Thats something that still hurts me to this day seeing as the girls he cheated on me with were horrendous but thats just my opinion. I went to uni and graduated ok i graduated before him but he graduated in a job he can walk into ( hospital nursing) im stuck struggling.
I cant find the right person for me let alone someone decent enough for me, people say im too picky others suggest i go online dating it all upsets me because i feel like a bit of a outcast. All of my friends have been in relationships where their getting married or been together for years and im stuck wanting what they have and getting nothing. I know what i want im not overly picky, yea sure i like tattoo’s and piercings but that doesnt mean im going to look at a guy who hasnt got that and say no not interested im not that shallow.

On the positive side i have people who mean so much to me,I know that if i need them they will support and help me and be there for me no matter what. These people arnt appreciated enough all the people who are assholes get so much attention because they are assholes pretending not to be or just because they are assholes. But the people closest to me are the ones that I wouldnt trade for the world. And i hope they know who they are too because without them i wouldnt be around i wouldnt be the person i am today. And i love them so much for it.
I wish i could sort these things out i really do but somehow i dont see it happening for a while.

“You’ve disappeared. Like everything else. Now who else can I talk to? I’m lost. When you left, and he left, you took everything with you. But the absence of him is everywhere I look. It’s like a huge hole has been punched through my chest. But In a way, I’m glad. The pain is the only reminder that he was real.”

Download Festival 2010

OK So i started the Sri Lanka blog but lost interest, I still have it written down but whilst Download is still fresh in my mind then thats what im gonna blog about.

Yes another Download year has been and gone and i’m trying to relive every second of it which is only making me miss it more but still here we go.

For me Download started on the 8th June 2010 where i picked up my best mate Gemma her boyfriend Bean and our friend Tim
I drove up to Sheffield where we went shopping and then for food and alcohol and hen crashed for the night at Bean and Gemma’s student house. We had to get up early the next day in hope that we would get to Download so whilst i was brushing my teeth at 6.45 in the morning hoping to leave for 7.30 Gemma found me and she was in a bad place. The reason she was in a bad place was because she couldnt find her’s and Bean’s Download tickets anywhere. We searched the house, moved the furniture, unpacked and then repacked, checked my car and in the end the tickets were in the fuckin food cupboard of all places! We still dont know how they got there Gemma swears it was her housemate that put them in there whilst the rest of us dont really care the tickets were found and thats all that matters

For the record I hate rain and the whole time running up to Download we were all checking the weather forecast to see if we were going to have rain or not. Driving to Download on that Wednesday confirmed it was going to bed wet, for how long we didnt know but it was going to be muddy all the same. Driving to park the car was a new adventure to say the least. I live in Devon yet I have never had to drive in a field in the mud I will remember from now on high gear low revs because i nearly drove into one of the stewards! We actually managed to get a decent camping spot this year that wasnt too far away from the village my legs would die if i had to make the mission from brown camp to the main arena we were in blue and it was so easy to find.

After two trips back to the car we got to drinking and yes i started on wine probably not the best choice but still.

I went and met someone who I havent seen for a while even though his first reaction was to throw my drink on the floor and then when i dropped his water bottle on the muddy floor and refused to pick it up e wiped mud on my grey hoody, it’s OK i got him back after luring him away from knocking out Bean i sat with my muddy wellies on the chair opposite, he sits down and the mud slides up the very white stripe of his sleeve

Im one that cant camp without some luxuries as soon as I had everything in my tent i set up my blow up matress, then my make up and lense stuff all went in one area I have to have organised chaos, getting back into my tent at stupid o’clock in the morning trying to drunkenly take my lenses out is never easy especially if I cant find the lense stuff in the first place.
Thursday my bro showed up to camp with us and we  got his tent sorted and got drinking again, unfortunately i felt like crap and had one of the earliest nights ever  but seeing as I went to bed at 2 in the morning the day before i let myself off.

The Main arena didnt open until 2 on friday which was annoying so many bands could have been added so that the arena could have opened earlier but it didnt, we headed in for around 4 so we could catch 36 crazyfists and got a spot by the main stage after watching them i realised that most of the bands i wanted to see were on the second stage and no one wanted to see them. So i met with a particular hottie who i spent pretty much the whole day with watching bands like A Day To Remember,Coheed and Cambria,Killswitch Engage and Bullet For My Valentine.

The Night ended with the astonishing AC/DC who had their own stage. To be honest im not a huge AC/DC fan I dont know many of their songs but I knew that they wernt a band I could say that I would ever see again so why not see them especially as I just spent a packet on the festival ticket and everything. AC/DC didnt disappoint they had been doing these gigs for so long it just came easy to them they had inflatable women, a train that came out of the stage and so much to keep the crowd entertained. As soon as I get the videos on youtube they will be added to this.

Every year we had gone to Download they always have evening entertainment which ranges from this years silent disco, to comedy etc. Last year they had Mexican Wrestlers called Lucha Britannia and we didn’t see them but this year they were there again so we decided we would have some drinks and head to the tent to see what all the fuss was about. When we got to the tent the wrestling hadnt started and when it had I think we all kinda wished it hadnt. (the video will be up soon) After the first match we were ‘entertained’ with a burlesque dancer who looked really weird and finished her act by bleeding from the mouth, then we saw a woman dressed up as a clown stapling balloons to her body another match and then we all watched as a naked guy got abused by two women with a cucumber… just we were about to leave the guy turned around and said he was gonna get his own back so why we stayed i have no idea but he ended up whipping them with fire. The women got off lightly lol.

Saturday started with making the mission to the main stage at 12.30 with my brother in hope to see Flyleaf who i saw in 2006 and were really good, when I got there however Atreyu had swapped and they were on instead of Flyleaf so we grabbed a beer and sat by the main stage to watch Atreyu and then Flyleaf after. During Flyleaf Jon came and joined my brother and I seeing as it was his birthday it was only fair that he drink with us so he did.
we watched Five Finger Death Punch and Lamb of God  then wondered over to the second stage for The Blackout where i had a nap and had rediculous photo’s taken of me (thanks) then we headed back to main stage for Deaftones and my bro had a nap then finally caught a bit of 30 seconds to mars and then finally Rage Against The Machine. . Personally I would say that Saturday was my favourite day of the weekend. I got to spend some quality time with my brother and also I got to spend the most time with Jon and seeing as its a right rarity that, that ever happens it was a bit plus…plus hes pretty hot.

Sunday was a different day all together.
Normally on sunday we pack everything we dont really need and leave it in the car so when we leave Monday we have less to carry, because my brother was camping with us I put all my clothes in his car including wellies and everything I thought I wouldnt really need.
There wernt many bands that I had wanted to see i went in to see August Burns Red with my brother and then went for a shop with him. Slash were pretty good what I saw of them I had another nap when they came on and woke up to Sweet Child Of Mine which was a bit random. But when I woke it was quite cold and ended up raining just as Billy Idol came on, me and Tim headed back to the tent to put on a coat which was probably the only thing I had left in my tent I decided that I wasnt going to stay in a cold tent for another night so we made the decision to pack up the tents and leave after Aerosmith. Seeing as I only had shorts trainers a t-shirt and a coat i was freezing and our gazeebo filled up with water so we constantly, one of the girls camping with is thought it would be funny to push the water so it would fall down like a waterfall, what she didnt think of was where the water was going to go and it pissed all down my leg. Its ok i got revenge. I was leaving my pillow that i had bought to save space in the car and deicded to put it to good use by ripping it open and pouring it on this girls tent. That would have been a bugger to get off especially as the tent was wet.
I was a bit gutted because i missed Steel Panther and Zebrahead but i would have rather have all my stuff sorted and ready to go then come back and do it in the dark.  I did however make it back to the arena for Aerosmith who i really wanted to see. But actually at the end of the day I wouldnt rate them too high they seemed to skip over their hits and play more of their less known tracks and really drag them out with solos. I would say I had more fun dancing in the mud because by then i had given up, my legs were covered in mud, my brother thank God had bought me a new pair of trainers so i didnt have to drive home in wet muddy trainers and dancing warmed me up!
The trip home however was a nightmare! For a normal drive it would take me the best of 4 hours but because the decision was last minute i hadnt been able to have a decent sleep or anything so we stopped over around 3 times to have a sleep. By the time we were just outside Bristol i nearly broke down in tears, home was so close but i was so tired and i just wanted to be home i had another sleep and then got back on the road, funnily enough as soon as we passed the welcome to Devon sign we all woke up (I think it was the sight of shagging cows!)

But still download was awesome and I had a great time I spent it with some amazing people and the only thing I regret is not enough campsite activites. The only thing that bugged me is the fact they had three super headliners and the rest was all kind of bands that were forgotten about because of the headliners.

I really cannot wait till next year Ive just got to get drinking prepared earlier so I dont get too drunk and then need naps or to go bed earlier!

Its Been A While

So yes it has been a while and over a month since I went away but i have been busy sorting out family stuff and job stuff plus working those lovely overtime shifts as well as my part time rubbish.

ANYWAYS I have got myself in gear and found some time in my busy yet very lazy and dull life to get this all sorted and write down what happened whilst I went away, so lets get started.

March 31st 2010

Nothing much of interest happened on the first day it consisted of us traveling from Exeter to London Heathrow and then spent the late afternoon and evening in our Travelodge hotel which was pretty much about 10/15 minutes away from the airport. My friend Fiona who i went with is a tea fiend and has to have her tea, even though we were going to Sri Lanka the place where tea is picked she wanted her PG tips so we had to walk to a local shop and buy some PG tips, only to find out when we had got back to the hotel room that she had no spoon for her tea. We went down for dinner and she picked up a spare knife…why a knife I will never know even a month and a bit on now I still have no idea why she chose a knife but still she chose a knife to use to take her tea bag out of her cup. That was pretty much that we spent the night in the Trvelodge and planned to get up early the next day to fly. This is the comparison of my suitcase (on the right) weighing around 19KG and Fiona’s (left) weighing more like 22kg.

April 1st 2010 – St Stupid

We got up early to be washed and fed before we caught the shuttle bus which was around 10ish to Heathrow Airport. We checked in without problems  our flight was UL0506 and we were flying at 1.45 at terminal 4 so we had plenty of time. We headed towards the departure lounge for some duty free shopping and to wait for our flight as we got to the xray bit where they check that were not going to carry on bombs, liquid etc. During the queuing time I asked Fiona “you don’t have anything you shouldn’t in your bag do you? no scissors, water any liquid over the limit” she looked at me shaking her head no no its all in my suitcase. (It wasn’t the full body scan though just the normal x ray bags and metal detector) I walked through fine although I had to hold up my jeans which are a bit too big but so comfortable as my belt is one of the metal studded belts. Fiona was behind me she walked through fine as well my bag goes through the xray machine no problem but Fiona’s still hadn’t arrived next thing we know a man appears with her bag and takes us to one side saying “Is it ok if i check your bag?” Fiona nods the man looks at her and says “now theres nothing in here that’s going to hurt me or anything nothing sharp, nothing that could harm me?” Fiona shakes her head again. He checks the bag putting items like her Ipod and phone in one tray and everything else like tissues, passport in another he looks up at her again “nothing in here you want to tell me about?” Fiona just looks at him and shakes her head looking confused at this point the man then pulls out the knife from the hotel “what about this?” Oh my God i seriously couldn’t believe it, i had asked her in the que if she had anything and she assured me there wasn’t my heart beat so much and everything was running through my mind. What if they wont let her fly? What if they say she has to be taken aside what am i going to do? Fiona just laughed sheepishly and explained the hotel situation the man took it off her and let us get on our way. I knew from that point that this holiday wasn’t going to be plain sailing. We sat in the bar for a drink and something to eat knowing exactly what flight food is like…I hate flight food. We did a bit of shopping and then headed to get on the plane when the flight was called and we boarded, once in the air it was a lovely 10ish hour flight to Sri Lanka once I got used to the tv system and got bored of playing the flight games I ended up watching It’s Complicated, (with Meryl Streep, Steve Martin, Alec Baldwin) Blind Side (Meryl Streep, Steve Martin, Alec Baldwin) and finally The Twilight Saga New Moon (Kristen Steward,Robert Pattinson,Taylor Lautner) I was actually reading New moon before the holiday and hadnt yet finished it I had totally fallen for the Jacob Black character rather than Edward Cullen. Everyone wanted the sulky vampire who couldnt control himself and was cold and cautions, for someone with raynaud’s desiese i’d much prefer a warm warewolf who wants to be with me rather than someone who wants to be doesnt but does but cant eugh talk about messing the girl around!

April 2nd – Good Friday

We arrived in Colombo Airport at 5 am Sri Lankan time which means ive gone 19 hours without sleep, now im a generally sleepy person, I love sleep even though ive had trouble sleeping since my gran died. So im a bit tired and grumpy when we land, we collected our bags and walked to the main arrivals bit where our transportation driver should be stood holding a sign with our names on it…he wasnt. We walked outside and got a culture shock as it felt like hundreds of people were stood outside waiting for family to arrive. The heat was so hot! coming off a cold air conditioned plane and just having it hit you was crazy, we didnt find out transportation out there either so we ended up getting back inside and finding someone to help us. When we finally got picked up we had a 20 minute drive, by then people are up and walking to work and school the sun was coming up and all I wanted to do was sleep. We arrived at the hotel at 7 in the morning and got checked in taking the traditional pictures of this is the view from the balcony.

After having a brief 2 hour sleep we had some lunch had a sunbathe and braved going out of the hotel to explore our surroundings. Because we never had any transportation waiting for us we didn’t know anything about our rep normally you get told “your rep will meet you at 9 tomorrow morning to talk to you about trips” but even the presence of a rep like a picture or anything was non existent, so we decided to check out what the other tour guides would offer and we ended up booking 3 days for £67  with A.T.C. International which is an amazing price. The 3 days consisted of a trip around Negombo the next day, and then a two day over night trip later on in the week so £67 really wasn’t bad.

April 3rd – Tangible Karma
So today started off the tours we met our tour guide Dean who also is the organiser of ATC International and the driver and our trip started. We stopped off to see a Buddhist temple which was around 200+ years old, there are many different religions in Sri Lanka the three that i knew of was Buddhist, Muslim and Roman Catholic.