I went to bed feeling so tired, but when i got into bed i thought i would see if i could have a listen to the new tracks by artists for the Almost Alice cd.
As i was looking through the artists i found out that the All American Rejects did a song called The Poison. I listened to it on iTunes and then looked for the whole song on youtube knowing that someone would have put it up even if there isnt a music video for it, and i can honestly say that since i have first played the whole song once i havent stopped i just keep repeating it again and again and again. Something about it has got me hooked, ive been watching a lot of One Tree Hill and i can imagine this song to be played in the background when a couple break up or when someone passes away.
So you fall down a hole,
Thats the one place where we both know,
You take me with you if you could but I wouldn’t go.
Because sometimes, we both loose our minds to find a better road.
About three weeks ago my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer and its something i dont like to talk about out loud let alone tell people who i dont know yet this is a blog a personal blog and if i dont write it down then all my feelings and thoughts are going to implode. I dont like talking to it because i dont like people seeing me upset, i dont even speak to my parents about it even if they need to i prefer to not talk about it. We have to wait till April before my dad can have any more tests and then he will have tests that can check his whole body and see if the cancer has stayed in one place or moved, if possibly they will cut it out in surgery and then if it continues they will use radiotherapy. How do you cope? On the 13th of September 2009 i lost my gran to lung cancer, she will ill anyway as she had non hodgkin’s lymphoma and was going in to get a blood transfusion probably around every other month. She spent a few days in the Hospicecare and then went home, the day she went home she had a panic attack and pressed her panic alarm my mum and myself went down to see her and to see her in so much pain was heartbreaking we called an ambulance and she died in the early morning the next day in the A and E with my mum by her side. On the 12th of March 2008 my grandad died of cancer also, he spent a week in the Hospicecare and deteriorated in there to the point where he couldnt remember who i was, when he slipped into a deep sleep i said my goodbyes i didnt want to see him get worse and he passed away a few days after with my mum by his side. If this cancer gets worse with my dad and the worst ever happens will i have the courage to sit by his side or would i try to savor him in my memory and remember him as he is. I can tell my dad is worrying, a general hug between my dad and i last those few seconds longer, i know hes thinking what if and trying to hold on to every moment he has. Not talking about it helps me i guess its one of those things where if i dont talk about it it’s not real, but i know in my heart it is real and that sooner or later ill need to talk about it, i think this is why i decided to write this. I am most like my dad, my personality, my soft side, my dislike of anything medical being shown. How should i act? Mum likes to keep things as normal as possible she knows that if my dad starts showing cracks she wont be able to cope so she tries to keep things normal but what is normal how do you keep things normal when youve been given a possible death sentence?
Tonight ive realised ive fallen down a hole, but the only difference is that people wont notice.
When my heart breaks, when i cry, when my dreams turn to nightmares and i become to afraid to fall asleep people wont know.
Because i wont let them, as soon as people know they want to help i told my friend about my dad today hes traveling in usa he doesnt need to know what im going through so why should i trouble him with it he should be out having fun not worrying about me.
I Thought I was getting somewhere after my gran died i started to sleep a bit better i stopped crying as much but now the worry is back. I dont sleep as well and im crying at night, i’m trying to spend more time out so i dont stew at home thinking of the what if’s. This friday is the 2 year anniversary of my grandads passing and i am spending it with a good friend who will go out to lunch with me and then shop for our holiday, i only hope that somehow my grandad sends me a message that things are going to be ok.
Take my mind off this pain and make it go away,
If only for a second,
If only for a day.
These brown eyes fill with tears
The numbness is lifeless
My soul begins to fear
Ive fallen down a hole,
Its so dark im scared to be alone,
So fake the smile fake a laugh ,
When it all goes wrong i pray the angels lead me down the right path.
How do you say Goodbye today when Hello was only yesterday?